Dark Desires
by ShadowedLove97
Summary: Shadow has finally broke. Maria had just died a second time after he brought her back to life with his immortality and Rouge died on a mission for G.U.N. Now all he wants is to end it all. Will Sonic and co. be able to stop him before he kills himself?
1. Dark Thoughts and Suicidal Gestures

Dark Desires 

Prologue: Dark Thoughts and Suicidal Gestures

I had no desire to live. My life was shrouded in darkness; making it nearly impossible for me to find a reason to live. Maria died for a second time, Rouge just died and no one seems to care that I'm lost without them. Knuckles completely hates me, Amy, Sonic, Tails and Cream just don't care.

I don't know why but it seems like it's bothering me; their lack of concern. Maybe it's because I brought back Maria and she taught me how to care again that I'm bothered by this. I'm not sure but it's a start to figuring out whether or not this all really matters to me. All I know is that I feel alone; so very alone.

Well, none of that matters anyways, because I'm going to end it tonight; no matter what.

I stand by the cliff side, a knife in hand. I had not chosen a gun because it would be too loud, too quick. I wanted to suffer; I wanted to feel the pain for as long as possible without being caught.

I had already decided where to start; my shoulders. I placed the knife on my right shoulder and started slicing open the skin in a diagonal line all the way down my arm and stopping at the very edge of my gloves. I could feel the warm blood already start to flow down my arm. The pain was unimaginable, doubling from what it felt like when I had started cutting, but I welcomed it as if it were Maria.

Next was my left arm. I, again, started at the shoulder and sliced diagonally, ending at the edge of my glove. More warm, sticky blood started flowing out the immensely painful wound but I wasn't losing enough blood in time. Sonic will probably be coming soon-most likely because he noticed I wasn't at Rouge's house anymore-to see where I was. So, I made a quick decision; to cut open my chest and legs.

I first started with my legs; cutting from the knee down. My legs threatened to buckle after I was done but I had to ignore that fact so I could finish the job. I, then, started cutting my chest. I started where my chest fur was and went down diagonally until I came to my side.

A pool of blood started to form under me. It got rapidly bigger as the minutes past. After ten minutes of just standing there my vision started to blur from the blood loss; the pool of blood under me was so big that it must be at least made out of a quart of my blood.

Finally, my knees buckled and I formed a ball with my body on the ground. I had no instinct to stop the bleeding, and if I did, I hadn't noticed it. Soon I blacked out, but not before I could hear Sonic and Amy's voice in the forest.


	2. Chapter 1: Stuck in a Living Hell

**Alright, so I'm new at this. The only reason this story is rated "T" is because of the violence and mild language (though, _I _don't count "damn" and "hell" as swears.) I hope you enjoy this story and here's chapter 1.=)**

Chapter 1: Stuck in a Living Hell

I don't know specifically when but the first time I had regained consciousness was around two or three days after I tried to kill myself. I kept my eyes closed as I listened to the voices I thought I heard (I couldn't be sure because I had been hallucinating a little prior to this whole mess). They were far away, as if I was listening to them through a wall. I felt disconnected to my body, like I wasn't actually there. My head hurt but I didn't acknowledge it because of the fact I felt like I wasn't really there. My eyelids were heavy from weariness, so I didn't open them. At one point I couldn't stay awake any longer and, just as I heard a fast beeping sound, blacked out.

Once I awoke for a second time I had regained enough function to actually feel the bandages on my arms, legs and chest. I could also feel the pain coming from my self-inflicted wounds. It wasn't as bad as it had been on the cliff side, but it was still overwhelming. I tried to move but found I couldn't, probably because they had sedated me or I was just too weak to do anything. I heard no voices this time but that didn't bother me.

After a while I had finally decided to open my eyes, and what I saw surprised me. Sonic, Amy, Tails, Cream and _Knuckles _were there. Knuckles seemed to be the only one unconcerned, for when they saw me open my eyes they all came rushing at me.

It was strange; they weren't supposed to be concerned about me; but there they were, running at me as if they had thought they'd never get to see me again. Truthfully, I wished I never _did _see them again. I wanted to die and they were _negatively_ _contributing _to that feeling one way or another.

"Shadow; why did you do it," inquired Sonic, getting straight to the point.

I sighed; _shouldn't they know why I attempted suicide? No, they shouldn't—wouldn't know why I had tried to kill myself. If they had understood how devastated I was when Maria and Rouge died, than I might have not attempted what I had a couple of days ago. No, that's not true; I'd probably of done it sooner if they had understood what I've been feeling._

"Shadow, hey! Answer me! Was it because of Maria and Rouge's deaths?" Sonic demanded, drawing my attention from my clouded thoughts. He softened a bit, I don't know why, as he continued, "I'm sorry if that's something that's too hard for you to answer but...Oh forget it, just tell us why you tried to commit suicide."

"Humph, why should you care?" I muttered, not looking at them. "Besides, are you sure it's a good idea to have Cream with us as we discuss this?" I was trying to avoid the subject and I knew Sonic could tell.

"Oh come off it. You know very well that Cream's 9 years old now!" Sonic pointed out. "She's old enough to hear this. Now stop avoiding the subject! Was it because of Maria and Rouge's deaths?"

He knew I couldn't run away from it any longer. I broke far earlier than I thought I would and confessed that that was, indeed, the reason I had attempted suicide. It was hard for me, because every word I spoke brought back the sad memories of their deaths. I hadn't been there for Rouge's but I had witnessed Maria's. She had died of her terminal illness this time, but I still blamed myself 'cause I had brought her back only to die three years later. The world I had brought her back to see had been literally killing her every second she spent on it. If she had been on the ARK, I can guarantee that she would have lived for six more years than only three, despite the fact that Maria could've died any day anyways.

"There, you happy now? You got me to confess." _Why are these damned tears flowing down my face?_ I asked myself, turning away from them so they wouldn't see the tears.

"Shadow, are you alright?" It was Cream's voice this time. She sounded older than I thought she would, since she's only 9. It reminded me of the time when Maria came looking for me after Rouge's death (Rouge died before Maria had.)

_"Shadow, Shadow where did you go? Shadow," I could hear Maria's voice echoing in the halls of Rouge's empty house. I wanted to call to her, telling her that I was right here and that I was fine, but I couldn't. Maybe it's because I would have been lying if I had told her I was alright—for I wasn't—or maybe because the shock of Rouge's death had hit me so hard that I simply could not find my voice; whatever the reason, I did not yell back to Maria. "Shadow, please answer me! Shadow-" She stopped abruptly when she entered the doorway of my room. The sight she had saw must have terrified her—I was sitting on my bed, in the corner of it, cradling my bleeding right arm with tears sliding down my face and a bloody knife on my bed next to me—for her beautiful blue eyes widened and she gasped. She, then, ran towards me and took me into her arms and that's when I completely broke. I sobbed into her shoulder—even though it _should _be the other way around—and started rambling on about how Rouge's death was somehow my fault. Maria kept shushing me, saying that it wasn't my fault, that I could have never stopped her from going on that mission for G.U.N. but I kept giving excuses and shooting down her soothing words. At one point, I finally calmed down enough to fall asleep but the sleep was restless, full of nightmares and images of Rouge being shot down out of the sky by the terrorists that she had gone after._

I don't know why, but her voice stirred some anger in me. Maybe it was self-loathing, or maybe the anger really was targeted towards the others. I'm not sure but the anger still caused me to snap at them. "You know what, I'm not! I'm lost without Maria and Rouge! When Rouge died, heh, the only thing that kept me sane was Maria and when she died…You guys didn't even _notice_. All you guys did was _ignore me _when I needed attention the most; and do you know what?" I gave a halfhearted, half-crazy laugh. "It sent me even _further _into this depression; sent me further into this living hell!"

"Hey, don't blame us!" Finally Knuckles began to speak. His voice was deeper than I last remembered it, but maybe that was because Knuckles is now 19. "_You're _the one that attempted that suicide, not us! Besides we t-" Knuckles was cut off by a soft sobbing sound. I turned my head to see who was crying when I saw Cream with tears flowing down her face. I looked away guiltily; I hadn't meant to make her cry; especially since she reminded me so much of Maria.

"You know what, just…Just go." I said, curling up my legs so they came up to my chest, despite the pain it caused me. Tails tried to protest, same with Amy and Sonic, but I cut across them, saying, "No, just…Just go. You're making it worse." They didn't do anything at first but after a few moments I heard their reluctant footsteps as they left my room; leaving me with my own suicidal thoughts.


	3. Chapter 2: Depressing Flashbacks

Chapter 2: Depressing Flashbacks and Mental Breakdowns

Over the next few weeks I didn't get any better; truthfully, I got worse. I had nightmares that I couldn't even _remember _almost every night; I kept reopening my wounds because of them and I barely got any sleep. During the day I acted normal, as if my "mental breakdowns"—as the doctors called it—never had happened. Well, almost normal; I'd usually zone out while someone was talking to me. Also, when someone mentioned Maria or Rouge, I'd have one of those "mental breakdowns", so everyone avoided speaking about them around me. Though, once in a while, I'd catch Maria's or Rouge's name being spoken. The physicians that were assigned to me were puzzled about the sudden decline of mental stability and were just about ready to give up. I didn't blame them; actually, I had already given up long before they started losing hope.

Sonic, Amy and Tails visited me regularly. I didn't mind their company; truthfully, their presence was comforting to me. Somehow, though, they managed to treat me like nothing was wrong with me, even though there obviously was. Once in a while, they'd come on a day where I was having a "mental breakdown" or I was on the edge of one. They always tried to calm me down, despite that they almost never could.

One day they did end up coming while I was having a "mental breakdown". Luckily, it wasn't one of those big, noticeable ones per se, just one of them that was barely noticeable. When they had entered the room I was barely awake because of all the meds I was on (most of them had a side effect of drowsiness). Though, I wasn't facing them, so they had assumed that I was asleep.

As I heard them starting to leave the room I muttered, "I'm awake." I wasn't sure they'd hear (actually, I was hoping they'd be unable to hear me), but when I heard their cautious footsteps I knew they had.

Someone sat on my bed, I wasn't sure whom, but guessed it was probably Amy. They put their hand on my shoulder and they whispered, "Hey, how are you doing today?" It was Amy, I could tell by her tone; low but kind and soothing.

"Fine," I muttered, my left hand briefly rubbing against my right arm's fresh bandages. "The wounds on my arms keep reopening," I confessed my voice low.

"We heard," this time it was Sonic. Ever since the first visit, he's been more sympathetic towards me, despite the fact that I hate it. "You really need to stop doing that. Soon enough you're going to kill yourself, or at least inflict permanent damage to your arms."

I didn't say anything, my thoughts wandering towards last night's nightmare.

_ Darkness was around me. I'm not one to be afraid of the dark, but this was different; as if it was choking the life out of me. I heard a voice to my right. I turned towards it but saw nothing. There was another voice, except it was coming from behind. I didn't turn this time, knowing that nothing was there; but the voice didn't disappear this time. It kept saying something; I couldn't tell what it was saying until it got closer, "Why didn't you protect me?" It was a little girl's voice, and it kept saying that phrase over and over again. I tried to think of a little girl that I hadn't protected but I knew it would be in vain, since I only knew one "little girl". I realized who it was, and I didn't like it, "Maria." I muttered._

_ My eyes widened and my breathing quickened, I didn't dare turn around in fear of what I might see; but the curiosity won over the fear and I turned and what I saw terrified me. Maria's lifeless body hung in the air, the gunshot wound located over her heart that had killed her the first time had just been bleeding. Her body was pale and I didn't have to touch her hands to know that she'd be ice cold. Maria's eyes were closed and her dress soon had streaks of bloodstains going down it from the fresh blood. I looked away but the image still haunted me and the knowledge that the body was still behind me didn't help much either, so I ran away from it. More voices reached me, all of them belonging to the GUN soldiers I had killed in order to get my memory back and all their children and their significant other cursing me 'cause I had killed their loved one._

_ Once there were no more voices I stopped running; kneeling over to catch my breath. Then there was another voice in the air, whispering. I didn't want a repeat of Maria so I straightened and tensed to run, but it didn't matter; the body was in front of me this time. "Why didn't you stop me?" It whispered, making my blood run cold; it was Molly's voice. Her outfit was ragged and in tatters, her hair singed. Her now white as snow skin had blood on it; I wanted to look away but couldn't._

_ After a few minutes I heard another voice to my left, it was also whispering something. I didn't want to look but somehow I was forced to. The body was also that of a female's, but this time it wasn't human. "Why didn't you go with me?" I saw Rouge's body also floating in the air, her muzzle and exposed skin was pale. Her body was pierced with many gunshot wounds, I couldn't stand looking at her, so I looked away, but I only saw Maria once more. They all whispered their damning words, and I sank to my knees, basically pleading for them to stop and begging for forgiveness._

_I had awoken from that nightmare crying, my self-inflicted wounds bleeding anew. It had taken some time to calm me down and yet I still wasn't fully recovered from it yet._

"Shadow, are you alright? Shadow," it was Sonic's voice pulling me out of my flashback. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing," I stammered, trying to hide the fresh pain the memory of that nightmare had brought me.

"Shadow, don't lie; just tell us the truth." Tails' voice was compassionate, as if he didn't want to upset me more than I already was.

_Why don't they believe me, _I asked myself. I felt something wet fall down my muzzle, and I realized that I was crying. _Just great, why does this have to happen now when _they're _here?_ "I-" my mouth was dry, and it took me some time before I told them about my nightmare.

I was tired by the time I was finished explaining, and they all said soothing and comforting words to me, but I was already falling fast asleep once more, only to enter another nightmare.


	4. Chapter 3: A Wake up Call

**This chapter was _really _hard to make. I don't know why. Finally, I finished (not without watching a very similar scene from Tsubasa Tokyo Revelations with Fai and Kurogane talking.) I hope you guys enjoy!=)**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 3: A Wake up Call**

The week went on as usual; I had nightmares, I woke up with my arms bleeding, Sonic, Amy and Tails visited me and I occasionally ate a meal my nurses have given me; but that routine didn't last long, for someone came to visit me that hadn't sine the first time they saw me.

Knuckles broke the cycle on a Saturday; it was a bad day for him to come because, at that moment, I had just awoken from another one of those nightmares. Sonic, Amy and Tails, once they had seen me, ran over to me and started comforting me. I didn't notice Knuckles at the door until he grabbed the banana I had neglected to eat. My glazed expression turned into one of puzzlement and wonderment as I turned to look at him; I didn't understand why Knuckles, out of all people, was there. "Why are you here when you haven't visited me since the first day?"

Knuckles didn't respond, which really ticked me off. I was really getting sick and tired of people answering my questions untruthfully or not at all just because they were afraid that they would upset me more than I already was. Didn't they know that what I needed was not lies or comforting words or even silent, sympathetic stares? That what I needed was a straight answer for once? "Answer me, damn it!" I spat out those words angrily; coloring my tone with discontent and annoyance as I tried to get them to understand how much I needed them to tell it to me strait for once.

He _still _didn't answer. I waited for about 5 minutes—the air in the room cackling with the feeling of tenseness—until I was about ready to strangle him. I opened my mouth to snap at him but had no time to, for he said, "There was no reason to visit someone not worth my time. All you do is mope around and try to pull off suicidal stunts during the night."

I didn't say anything, there was no need too; I knew he was right—even though I hated admitting it to myself—and I could do nothing to change that. "Well, it's time for you to answer me. Can you justify your actions?"

If he wanted a response, I was going to give him one; I shrugged everyone away and stood up. I heard many protests from Amy and Tails, but only saw a nod of encouragement from Sonic; as if he knew what I was going to do next and approved of it. I walked towards Knuckles, the air becoming more tenser every time I took a step. Once I was in arms-reach, I punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, not looking surprised in the least; the only people whom seemed surprised at my action were Tails and Amy. "What would you have done differently in my situation, Knuckles?"

I had no time to respond to a punch from Knuckles—the fact that he had gotten off the ground quickly had surprised me—and didn't resist as he pinned me against the wall. "I would've done a lot differently, Shadow. Do you not see the kind of suffering you are inflicting on them?" I looked towards Sonic, Tails and Amy only to see Amy crying and Tails hiding behind her. Sonic seemed perfectly calm; the only thing betraying him was his eyes, for in his eyes I saw sadness, anger and sympathy in them. I looked away and slid to the ground when Knuckles unpinned me.

"Shadow, this isn't the way you should live your life." This time, it wasn't Knuckles whom had spoken, but Sonic. "Feeling sorry for yourself and wishing you were dead is not a way a person should live. What happened to the old Shadow; the one whom didn't doubt himself or his motives no matter what? The one whom pursued his goal until he achieved it? Look at you; I've tried to be empathetic towards you, even sympathetic, but I just can't anymore. You need to get your head out of the past and into the present!" Sonic stood up and walked past Knuckles and I, only hesitating at the door to say, "Shadow, if you value even only a fraction of your life, I would suggest going to a councilor."

Amy and Tails followed suite; Knuckles was the last to leave. "This is my last visit. When you're done sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself, come and see me; _then _we'll see who punches better."

Once he left, I tilted my head down, gave a half-crazy, halfhearted laugh, and said, "It's not as simple as that. If it were, I wouldn't be like this now."


	5. Chapter 4: The Decision to Live BETA

**Yes, yes, I know. Very short. Why? Well, because I haven't finished it yet. I just wanted to get _something _up for you guys 'cause you waited patiently like good little readers (pats your head). So, here's a cookie and the unfinished version of chapter 4. (You know, I think this would be a great time for you guys to tell me what I can change in this chapter so far, don't you think? And don't worry, some action will be inserted in this story...Just not right now.:p)**

Chapter 4: The Decision to Live

That night my dreams were muffled and unclear. I had still dreamed about the place where there was nothing but darkness and death but this time I didn't exactly see anyone's body. However, I did hear many sounds of gun shots and fighting plus the occasional voice that I recognized. When I awoke the next morning I did find myself hungry, but not hungry enough to finish the plate of food they gave me.

As I ate I thought about Sonic and Knuckles' words, trying to figure out if they were true or not. I didn't find my answer that day, though, or even that week. In fact, it took me a couple of thought and nightmare filled weeks to actually figure out what I was going to do.

Amy and Tails were the only frequent visitors I had left. Cream never came back because she hadn't wanted to see me in this state, Knuckles _refused _to visit me and Sonic only came by once in a while to check if I made up my mind about what he said. I knew that if Maria or Rouge were still alive then they'd have visited me too, but I couldn't dwell on that—it wasn't good for me, as the doctors put it.


End file.
